Representing an artist? Want to break into China? Stuck for ideas and lack the guanxi? Fang. Xin. Ba. (放心吧 don’t worry/rest your heart) because for RMB2 million you can secure your artist’s road to fame, with a single comprehensive solution: Diamond Life Entertainment’s ‘Raise your artists profile/visibility in China’ program featuring sloppy grammatical errors.

The program – promoted exclusively via an obscure group within the deepest recesses of LinkedIn – does what it says on the tin. In simple, somewhat circular terms, the program is designed to ‘raise your visibility in China so that your artists profile is raised and an awareness of your artist is generated in the country.’ The salesperson responsible for the ad has a clear vested interest in music, artistic integrity and such, frequently dehumanising artists to the status of ‘products and services’, which instills a certain sense of security. Only a level-headed business-type will do for such a far-reaching campaign.
 With RMB 2 million you’re set to receive the following:

1 Appearances on state television
2 Appearances on state radio
3 Appearances in magazines and newspapers
4 You write a book or a book is written about you
(1st option leaves you with an open palette of opportunity)
5 You appear in an annual event (serving the tapas)
6 You appear in a conference as an honored guest or speaker
(annual street vendor’s congregation)
7 You publish relevant articles in printed media
8 You appear at community events
9 You publish a periodic newsletter
10 You build a company or individual website in China
(probably designed by monkeys, like this)
11 You build social networks on the Internet in China
12 You join organizational activities (Dragon boating every May)
13 you will be assigned an assistant (also serves as the Ayi)

Getting things done in China takes time, which is why it’s comforting to see they’ve factored this into the offer, stating: ‘the program is for a twelve month period in order to be effective. We plan to land contracts for you starting from the tenth month, but this cannot be guaranteed.’

And then they throw in this gem:

‘If you do not trust us with your money, you may pay the television stations, radio stations, magazines and newspapers directly. All these media are state-owned, so they will not run away with your money.’

-Because we’re all familiar with just how transparent state-owned corporations are.

Let’s face it: it looks like a crazy scam.  But if you know the Chinese media, then there is a depressingly high possibility that this could in fact work for anyone with the brass balls to actually try it…

Laugh on people.  Nothing to see here…

**Extra: here’s the bio of the company behind this ad – can anyone verify that Paul Cooke of Sade group fame is behind the helm?

Diamond Life Entertainment – WORLDWIDE linkedin.com

DLE is managed by multi platinum award winning artist Paul Cooke of Sade group fame. Paul founded Sade in 1982 and went onto co-produced the album Diamond Life in 1983 and performed on all of the songs including some songs that went onto the second album Promise. Paul appeared with Sade on Top of The Pops in 1984.

Bonus:

We discovered this narrated biography of Sade’s Paul Cooke, which you will appreciate as much as a chopstick to the eye.